Even after a breakup, some people still have an emotional flame for their ex. Here are some signs that indicate emotional attachment to the past and lingering feelings towards the former partner.
Summary :
Signs he’s not over his ex: The Telltale Clues to His Lingering Feelings:
1) Recurrent depressed mood
If your partner always seems depressed, with unexplained mood swings despite your efforts, this could be a sign of unresolved emotional grief with their ex. Psychologist Samantha Breed comments:
“Very often, people who are unable to move on after a breakup develop depressive symptoms related to the grief and loss of that lost relationship.”
Samantha Breed
Impossible to be fully happy
This latent uneasiness prevents them from being fully available to enjoy the good moments of their new relationship. There is a sort of unconscious blockage that prevents them from being entirely happy.
2) He doesn’t enjoy moments together
Another red flag is when your partner seems completely disconnected during your activities together, not seeming to fully enjoy these precious moments as a couple. As if a part of him was mentally elsewhere, probably in the depths of his past relationship.
“Physically present, mentally absent”
In a relationship but mentally still clinging to the past, it’s a behavior that psychologist Sherine Michaels describes as “physically present, mentally absent.” A complete lack of engagement in the here and now that undermines the relationship.
These signs, although subtle, denote a recurring inability to be fully available to you and your relationship because a significant part of his psyche remains clinging to his ex. Work on yourself is then crucial to dissipate these last hang-ups.
3) Sexual difficulties
In intimacy, certain sexual problems can also betray a lack of total investment due to residual feelings for a former partner.
Premature ejaculation and lack of stamina
For example, if your partner stops quickly during sex and seems to lack stamina, experts say this could be due to mental concerns related to their ex.
As sexologist Paul Redman explains:
“When we are not fully focused on the present moment, when our mind wanders to worries of the past, this creates a lack of attention which can lead to premature ejaculation.”
Paul Redman
Difficulty reaching orgasm
On the contrary, others struggle to reach orgasm, a sign of mental detachment preventing them from completely letting go. Doctor Rachel Kyce warns:
“The inability of our intrusive thoughts to ‘let go’ of our exes can result in significant sexual blockages in the new relationship.“
Rachel Kyce
Intimate dysfunctions revealing a problem of mental anchoring in the present, very often created by these emotional residues with a past relationship.
4) Total absence of jealousy
Counterintuitively, your partner’s complete disinterest and lack of jealousy toward you could also be concerning. According to psychologist Valérie Bascop:
“When a person is not jealous at all, it can indicate emotional detachment, a lack of real involvement in the couple. It’s as if he doesn’t fully consider your relationship as his own.”
Sign of a total lack of commitment
This lack of jealousy could therefore paradoxically mean that unconsciously, your partner keeps a certain emotional distance, one foot in his past relationship. A sign that he is not fully engaged in your story and may be viewing this new relationship in a detached way.
Valérie Bascop nuance, however:
“We should of course not fall into the opposite extreme of unhealthy jealousy. But an ounce of healthy jealousy generally shows a correct level of emotional investment in the couple.”
A subtle balance must therefore be found between unhealthy possession and total detachment. A touch of reasonable jealousy can actually reassure you that the feelings are genuine.
5) Suspicious social media posts
Another warning sign is when your partner makes ambiguous posts on social media, seeming to want to send a coded message or make indirect appeals… but probably intended for their ex.
Between love and provocation
Whether they are romantic quotes, suggestive photos or mysterious messages, these equivocal posts can oscillate between a veiled declaration of love and pure provocation towards the former partner.
Social media psychologist Hélène Brulard deciphers:
“These publications are often poorly disguised appeals. We want to both declare our love in a roundabout way, but also provoke a reaction of jealousy or interest from the ex. It is a form of communication passive-aggressive indicative of a lack of complete detachment.”
Monitor the slightest reactions
In addition, very often the person then eagerly watches for their ex‘s potential reactions to these publications. A frenzy of analysis of the slightest comments, likes or other signs of residual interest.
An almost sickly behavior which says a lot about the dimension that this past relationship still takes on in the concerns and the energy spent. An obvious point of contention in the current couple.
6) Frequent mentions or comparisons with the ex
A telltale sign is the recurrence of mentions and comparisons to your ex in conversations.
“When a person constantly looks back on their romantic past and keeps bringing up old memories, it is often a sign of an inability to move on.”
Julie Albrington
He keeps comparing your current relationship to the one before, showing that his ex remains anchored in his emotional life.
7) Stalking or monitoring the ex on social media
Another clue is closely monitoring your ex’s activities on social networks. A 2018 study found that almost 88% of people keep tabs on their ex after a breakup.
This cyber obsession demonstrates an inability to turn the page, even if the reason given is often simple curiosity.
Misplaced approaches and persistent messages
Some even go so far as to contact their ex repeatedly by messages, calls or in person, betraying unresolved feelings. Julie Albrington specifies:
“These inappropriate approaches reveal a deep emotional attachment and a latent desire for reconquest or simple emotional reassurance.”
8) Avoiding Commitment or Emotional Intimacy
Despite a new relationship, their inability to fully engage emotionally may mean a subterranean attachment to the ex. According to a 2021 study, nearly 47% of people in relationships admit to still having residual feelings for a former partner.
Difficulties creating deep connections
This avoidance of intimacy can result in a refusal to talk about plans for the future, cohabitation or even to celebrate important milestones as a couple. An emotional blockage synonymous with unfinished feelings with the ex.
9) Unresolved feelings
They may regret how the relationship ended or have a sense of “Unresolved feelings” with the ex. This lack of closure feeds a residual attachment that is difficult to dissipate.
Desire to do things “right”
According to psychologist Jane Greersen, many people “keep a strong emotional connection because they hope to get a second chance to ‘do it right’ and close this story ‘the right way’.“
10) Difficulty getting rid of memories
Preserving objects that belonged to the ex or constantly revisiting them in your mind are obvious signs of a crusty past. Turning the page involves letting go of these memories.
The influence of “crystallization points”
Bowlby’s attachment theory explains this phenomenon by the existence of emotional “crystallization points”, these key moments in a relationship which “crystallize” attachment. Reviewing them mentally revives these emotions.
11) Inability to fully invest in the current relationship
A major sign of a residual attachment to your ex is their inability to invest 100% emotionally and mentally in their new relationship.
“When we keep one foot in the past, we cannot truly move forward and enjoy the present. This creates a lack of full involvement in the new relationship.”
Jennifer L. Sokolov
12) Seeking validation or reassurance from the ex
A speaking sign: When a person still turns to their ex for comfort, validation, or advice during difficult times. Recreating this connection reveals an undeniable attachment.
A very widespread phenomenon
According to a recent Canadian study, 38% of people in a relationship admit to having already contacted their ex to obtain emotional support during a complicated period. A figure which demonstrates how widespread this phenomenon is.
13) Idealization of the ex and the past relationship
“When we idealize a past relationship, we are actually denying its flaws and imperfections. This is a sign of an unconscious refusal to move on.”
psychologist Marc Guico
A strong tendency to idealize one’s former partner and to remember only the good aspects of the relationship may be a sign of a deep residual emotional attachment.
The Illusory “Dream Relationship”
Very often, this idealization creates a distorted image of what the couple really was like. We remember a sort of illusory “dream relationship”, amplified by nostalgia and the distorting filter of regrets.
14) Jealousy towards the new partner
Displays of jealousy or overreactions when their ex is dating someone else can also indicate the persistence of repressed romantic feelings. Psychologist Marc Guico adds:
“This jealousy is a reflection of an unconscious desire for possession and a difficulty in accepting that the ex has really moved on.”
The idealized ex remains the reference
Unconsciously, in the jealous mind, their idealized past relationship remains the norm, the reference to which they compare any new partner of their ex.
15) Refusal to admit past wrongs or mistakes
Furthermore, a stubborn refusal to admit one’s share of responsibility for the failure of the previous relationship can mask a lack of emotional distance. Constantly blaming the other often reveals a defense mechanism aimed at preserving the idealized bond.
Does he still love his ex? Test
A little “test” in table form to determine if your partner still loves their ex:
| Sign | Yes | Non |
|---|---|---|
| Often mentions or compares with your ex? | ||
| Monitors/stalks your ex on social media? | ||
| Contacts/approaches you inappropriately? | ||
| Avoid emotional commitment or intimacy? | ||
| Has “unfinished business” with your ex? | ||
| Keeping items/memories from the ex? | ||
| Seems uninvested in your relationship? | ||
| Turns to your ex for comfort? | ||
| Idealize your past relationship? | ||
| Shows excessive jealousy towards you? | ||
| Refuses to admit his faults in the breakup? | ||
| Often seems depressed/sad? | ||
| Don’t take advantage of the moments together? | ||
| Having sexual problems? | ||
| Completely lacking in jealousy? | ||
| Makes shady posts on social media? |
Of course, this is only an indicative test. Healthy communication is key!
Conclusion and tips for moving forward
In short, many small signals betray a lack of emotional detachment from your former partner. The necessary path to getting rid of it often involves recognizing this residual link and the desire to move forward.
Complete emotional mourning is then necessary to be able to move forward definitively.
Daring to be fully present in the present moment and opening up completely to your new relationship are the keys to dispelling these last hints of the past.
