“Alcoholism is not only an addiction, it is also a disease that profoundly affects the sufferer’s family and social relationships.”
Dr Martin Reynaud, addiction psychiatrist.
You loved him so much at first. Funny, charming, caring… Then alcohol gradually took over, transforming your ideal partner into an undrinkable stranger. It’s hard to bear it when drunken evenings end in violent arguments, hurtful words and crying fits. How did your life as a couple come to be poisoned by this addiction that escapes you?
- “I love him, but I can’t stand him anymore when he’s drunk” Behavior of the alcoholic towards his spouse
- Alcoholic spouse: The impact on children and legal aspects
- How to help an alcoholic loved one get treatment?
- “My husband is an alcoholic and doesn’t want to get treatment.”
- “Alcoholic husband stay or leave” Getting out of the cycle: solutions exist
- Find balance, before it's too late
“I love him, but I can’t stand him anymore when he’s drunk” Behavior of the alcoholic towards his spouse
“Very often, spouses and loved ones find themselves trapped in codependency, this form of relational addiction where we come to accept everything out of love.”
Sylvie Boisard, psychologist specializing in addictions.
An unrecognizable personality
You no longer recognize him after a few drinks. This usually calm husband or companion turns into a real, unmanageable person. His addiction to alcohol seems to bring out his worst faults: aggression, paranoia, irresponsibility…
From the first sips, his mood changes completely. He becomes incoherent, his movements clumsy. It quickly escalates: shouts, insults, thrown objects… The family atmosphere becomes electric, the children are disturbed. Despite your calls for calm, nothing works. Your partner seems possessed by an uncontrollable thirst.
A vicious circle
You feel like you no longer recognize the loved one in him. When will it sink again, how far will this slow sinking go? Permanent anxiety that undermines your relationship. Victim of this vicious circle, you helplessly watch the decline of your relationship.
Toxic behaviors galore
In addition to mood swings, you face other worrying deviations. A sick jealousy can take hold of him, pushing him to harass you to control your actions.
At other times, it’s his naughty arrogance that resurfaces with inappropriate comments about those close to you. Or else, his restless insomnia deprives you of restful sleep.
The most serious outbursts of violence occur in its dark phases: screams, shoving, broken objects… Paralleled by fear, you hide in guilty silence.
Alcoholic spouse: The impact on children and legal aspects
Children of alcoholic parents are collateral victims who are too often forgotten. In addition to emotional deprivation and potential neglect, they experience permanent stress and a climate of tension at home. According to the ANPAA, 20% of them will in turn develop addiction problems as adults.
“Growing up in an environment marked by alcoholism is a real trauma for a child. It marks them for life in their psychological construction and their ability to create healthy bonds.”
Aline Peries, child psychologist.
Legal aspects: violence, separation, custody rights
In the event of proven domestic violence linked to alcohol, the violent spouse can be criminally prosecuted upon complaint from the victim. An admission of alcoholism does not constitute a legal excuse.
During a separation, the parent’s severe alcoholism may be a reason for not obtaining or withdrawing custody of the children, if this problem endangers their safety and development.
“In situations of severe alcoholism, the protection of children must take precedence. The law allows visiting and accommodation rights to be restricted or even removed if the parent does not provide a healthy environment.”
Maître Delphine Martin, lawyer specializing in family law.
How to help an alcoholic loved one get treatment?
Watching a loved one descend into alcoholism is a real ordeal. But as a loved one, you are not helpless in the face of this terrible addiction. Here are some ways to try to help an alcoholic in your life:
- Talk about it openly but without judgment. Express your concern and your observations about his alcohol consumption becoming problematic. But avoid reproaches which will only undermine him.
- Find out about the help resources available: detoxification centers, support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, specialized therapies, etc. Offer them these solutions in a caring manner.
- Set clear boundaries on what you accept and what you do not accept. Do not cover it again if it gets into danger or drifts away. With each negative consequence, he will perhaps become aware of the damage.
- Involve other loved ones so that they speak with one voice. An organized intervention can be a salutary shock.
- Be patient but persistent. Relapse is often part of the process. Do not discourage him, but remind him of the need to continue his efforts.Be patient but persistent. Relapse is often part of the process. Do not discourage him, but remind him of the need to continue his efforts.
- Take care of yourself. Codependency lurks. Join support groups for loved ones who understand this reality. Maintain your mental health.
The final decision to seek treatment will be made by the alcoholic. But with compassion, firmness and the love of those close to him, he will have a better chance of getting through it. Don’t lose hope, the road will be long but possible.
Text in the form of a letter of support to an alcoholic:
Dear [First Name],
I am writing this letter to you as a loved one who cares deeply about you and your well-being. Your alcoholism pains and worries me greatly. I know you are going through an extremely difficult time, and that this addiction has taken over your life. But I want you to know that you are not alone in facing this fight.
I still remember the funny, generous and full of life man you were before alcohol engulfed you. This scourge ended up distancing you from your friends, your family and everything that mattered to you. I refuse to give up and let you sink further.
I know that deep inside you remains this wonderful person that I knew. The struggle will be tough, but the path to sobriety and a better life does exist. It’s up to you to take the first steps to get out of this.
I will be there, present at your side, to support you and encourage you throughout this ordeal. Together we will seek out the appropriate resources and support: support groups, therapy, detox centers… Whatever you need to regain control.
I beg you, let me help you rebuild yourself, to become the fulfilled and proud man you were again. Alcohol should no longer dictate your life and destroy your relationships. Together, we will overcome these difficulties.
You have all my unconditional trust and affection. Don’t be ashamed or afraid, I will be a pillar you can rely on in dark times. So trust me and accept this outstretched hand that I present to you.
I believe in you and your immense abilities to get back up. Find the will and strength that lie dormant within you. A better, dignified and fulfilling life awaits you on the other side, I am convinced.
With all my love,
[Your name]
“My husband is an alcoholic and doesn’t want to get treatment.”
For many spouses, this is the worst nightmare. Your husband may have numerous episodes of problematic drunkenness, but he remains deaf to your cries for help. Blinded by denial, he constantly minimizes events, promises to pull himself together before inexorably plunging again.
Your requests for him to begin a real process of care hit a wall. The status quo seems immovable while the situation worsens day by day. A real stagnation which generates discouragement and helplessness on your side.
“Alcoholic husband stay or leave” Getting out of the cycle: solutions exist
Faced with this real tragedy, you may feel like you are alone. That no one understands this nightmare that you are experiencing. An isolation which further aggravates the situation. However, there are several ways to break this infernal cycle:
1. Leave for a while
Distancing yourself by staying with loved ones can be lifesaving. This forced break will be the necessary shock to raise awareness on both sides.
2. Demand therapy
Your spouse must agree to consult a professional (doctor, psychologist, etc.) to begin detoxification followed by targeted therapy for their alcoholism problem.
How to get an alcoholic treated against their will?
This is probably one of the most difficult and frustrating situations that loved ones face. Your partner is clearly in denial and categorically refuses any outside help to get rid of his alcohol addiction. However, the problem is becoming more and more serious and negatively impacts the entire family unit.
In these desperate cases, there are a few avenues, although none are perfect or guaranteed to work. First of all, you can try to “intervene” with him in an organized and concerted way. Bring together his loved ones, friends, colleagues who appreciate him to all share your concerns and your feelings about the situation. The mass effect and multiple testimonies can sometimes make the alcoholic aware of the seriousness of the facts.
Then, as a last resort, you can contact the police or emergency medical services during a particularly worrying episode (proven violence, risk of a serious act, alcoholic coma, etc.). Forced hospitalization will require temporary withdrawal, even if psychological support must follow to tackle the roots of the problem.
The other option is a legal procedure for placing under guardianship or reinforced curatorship. Very cumbersome and intrusive, it would theoretically allow your spouse to be forcibly placed in detoxification treatment, followed by forced medical and psychological monitoring. But the conditions are very strict and the process is long and painful.
In any case, the most important thing is not to remain isolated. Join support groups, get support from professionals, because codependency from loved ones is also a trap to avoid. Taking care of yourself remains essential to have the strength to move forward, with or without the agreement of your alcoholic spouse.
3. Join a support group
Whether it’s Al-Anon meetings for loved ones of alcoholics or other support groups, sharing experiences with others can be very beneficial and bring you out of isolation.
4.Separation, a blessing in disguise?
As a last resort, if no other solution works, a temporary or permanent separation may be the only viable outcome. A heartbreaking decision, certainly, but also liberating, which will open the way to a peaceful life, devoid of violence and suffering.
Because you have the right, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your romantic relationship. No one should have to endure the torments of an alcoholic spouse.
Find balance, before it’s too late
Sobriety and balance must return to the heart of your relationship. Before this scourge of alcohol destroys forever what made the strength and beauty of your union.
No longer remain trapped in this destructive spiral. Don’t let alcohol further poison your days and nights. Dare to take the first steps to extract yourself from these toxins that are insidiously eating away at your relationship.
Rebuilding on new healthy, settled and peaceful foundations is the key to rekindling the love, respect and complicity that initially brought you together. A new start that you fully deserve, to finally live this harmonious and fulfilling life as a couple that you dream of.
